Mascot Review: College Edition
August 25th, 2010Alright folks. There’s a lot of bad ass, and not so bad ass mascots out there. What I’m going to do here is give you some ratings on 5 college mascots. Lets get right into it!
Artie the Fighting Artichoke
Scottsdale Community College
Artichokes, while not very intimidating, are healthy. So the real delima here is, what’s more important? Having an intimidating mascot? Or encouraging a healthy diet? I’d say eating healthy. No one is intimidated by mascot, except maybe babies, and babies are creepy and gross. The main problem with this mascot is that he seems to be on steroids, there’s no other way to explain a muscular artichoke. Furthermore, how did he grow arms and legs? He also seems to be mentally unstable, possibly even totally insane. His right cleat is untied as well, which just isn’t safe. He could trip and break is neck. On the whole, this is an okay mascot because he promotes eating healthly food and he can be used as a face for the mentally insane (just don’t leave him alone with the kids!).
Rating: 3.4 out of 5
Banana Slugs
University of California, Santa Cruz
Look at this this. It bad ass. First of all, it’s a slug reading Plato, and Plato is cool. Don’t even bother trying to debate this slug, because it will own you. He read Plato for fun, because he’s sweet as hell. Along with being a genius, you can see this guy in the movie Pulp Fiction. Yeah, that’s right, John Travolta wears a UCSC shirt in one scene. Ok, lets do a bad ass check list. Reading Plato? Check. Immortalized in one of the coolest movies ever? Check. What does that add up to? One B.A.M.F.
Rating: 25 out of 5
University of Arkansas at Monticello
Boll Weevils
I have no idea what this thing is. Wikipedia says it’s some kind of beetle. That could be totally wrong, I have no clue. All I know is that it’s hilarious, yet slightly creepy. The hilariousness outweighs the creepiness in this case though. Could you imagine seeing this thing on the sidelines during a game? I would be so psyched, but I also might be cracking up so hard that I would die. His shoes aren’t quite cool enough though and that’s holding him back from total greatness. Lucky for him though, he could totally kick any other mascot’s ass any day of the week, so that more than cancels out the shoes.
Rating: 4.9 out of 5 (Being too hilarious for his own good is what holds this one back from a perfect score)
Rudy Flyer
University of Dayton
I already know this guy knows how to pump up a crowd. Look at him, Dayton must have the most insane crowds you’ve ever seen when this guy is getting them psyched. I don’t have any stats, but I’m sure at least 44 people have died as a direct result of Rudy Flyer getting the crowd too excited. He wears moon boots too. MOON BOOTS! No one wears moon boots, because no one is hardcore enough to wear them, expect for Rudy Flyer, who most certainly is cool enough to wear moon boots. My only problem: where is his plane? He’s a FLYER. Could you imagine if this guy flew in on a plane? The building would fall apart because the crowd would to so loud. Rudy Flyer has probably slept with well over 5,000 women, and he never called any of them back. Why? Because this guy is cold as ice.
Rating: 16 out of 5
Big Red
Western Kentucky
The date rapist of mascots. Big Red is the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen, bar none. I really don’t even know what to say other than that. Big Red probably loves anime, the really weird anime. Henti also.
Rating: -8 out of 5